Talking Through Conflict

This is us today — with disagreement driving our daily attitudes and interactions. With aggression and attack the major currency of communication. With civil discourse giving way to accusation, untruth, threat and violence. Sadly, it seems, much of the world has forgotten—or abandoned—the dignifying practice of talking through conflict.

And, not surprisingly, nations, faiths, communities and families have suffered the polarizing impacts. In the home, communication impasses are driving wedges between family members. Ideological differences among co-workers, worship communities, and friends have become reasons for avoidance and alienation. And bullying on social media is spurring group dissociation.

So how can we de-escalate hostility and division and reclaim healthy ways of relating through our conflicts? And why is it important that we do? 

Recognizing our shared humanity

As different as we are, all of us share a common humanity, sharing joy, suffering, limitation and interconnection. “No human being stands by herself,” says Sister Marianne Farina, CSC, who teaches courses including moral theology and religious peacebuilding at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkeley, California. And because of our interconnectedness and interdependence, we carry a responsibility to the whole to honor and sustain right relationships. Jesus insisted on nothing less in his commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Practicing civil discourse then, “helps us stay connected as human beings and to be respectful of each other,” says Sister Verónica A. Fajardo, CSC, a member of the Congregation’s leadership team, whose counseling ministry has included teaching adults and children skills for healthy communication. This positive way of engaging, Sister Vero adds, also upholds two ideals of Catholic Social Teaching—“the value of community, and recognizing life and the dignity of the human person.” 

Seeing the gift of another

Of course, people have differing views and values. “Our ideas, concerns and commitments emerge from religious, cultural and political convictions and beliefs. We can’t avoid them,” says Sister Marianne. But we must remember the person behind the position.

In talking through our conflicts, Sister Marianne adds, we have the opportunity to see and appreciate the gift of another person. And in such conversations, she says, we are “creating truly common ground—by witnessing to the common good we share, first, in person-to-person relationships …and then addressing needs and concerns together.”

Sister Joy O’Grady, CSC, a practicing, licensed marriage and family therapist, leads courses including conflict remediation and stress management with novices in formation at Saint Mary’s. With these women, who come from different countries and spend two years living and studying together, she stresses the necessary appreciation of cultural differences. But when disagreements do arise, she advises the individuals to resist claiming who’s right and who’s wrong. She instead encourages them to focus on their new reality of life together. “They have to ask themselves, ‘What are the choices we want to make? How do we want to each be responsible and accountable for a healthy environment?’ This is an outlook of ‘us’ rather than ‘you or me.’” 

Starting with ourselves

Establishing our shared good requires that we put in some work on ourselves. Sister Maryanne O’Neill, CSC, with other Holy Cross sisters, once organized and led nonviolent communication programs in elementary schools in Los Angeles. Today, she leads the novices through a similar program, which emphasizes self-understanding. “Anything that we do that teaches us more about ourselves helps us to know ourselves better, to love ourselves better,” Sister Maryanne says. “Therefore, we can love other people better.” 

“In his encyclical Ecclesiam Suam (His Church), Pope Paul VI asks what makes us Christ’s Church,” says Sister Marianne Farina. “And he says, first, deeper self-knowledge, understanding who we are. Who are we called to be? Who are we in Christ?” And in recognizing that we’ll never rise to the bar of what we’re being called to be or do, she adds, “the second trait of a disciple of Christ is ongoing conversion. Understanding that we’re not perfect, and we have to continue to grow and to recognize how God is calling us, changing us, inspiring us. And then the third characteristic of being Christ’s church is to enter into dialogue.”

Erecting personal guardrails

One immediate conversion we can make to help defuse our conflict culture is to start monitoring our own thoughts, say the sisters. How do we react when we encounter contrary principles or practices, and where do we let our thoughts take us? When rage or judgmental or malicious thoughts take over, we need to check ourselves and talk ourselves back. In these moments, one can rely on a personal mantra, prayer, or the help of spiritual intercessors. With continued practice, we may find it easier to prevent a triggered response or even experience mental disarmament happening unconsciously.

Another good way to guard our thoughts is to evaluate our sources of information. Don’t succumb to overconsumption of negative news and manipulative actors on social media. “I get bombarded with information. And then I get overwhelmed because it’s just this hype all the time,” says Sister Vero. “So, I continue to be engaged by reading magazines and newspapers because I have more control of what I’m taking in. If it gets to be too much, I put it down.”

This doesn’t mean stop caring or acting for just causes. Instead, we can demonstrate care in ways that are fruitful and not destructive to ourselves and others. For instance, when rallying for important causes, we can channel our positivity and energy toward ideals and actions we support rather than giving our thoughts over to what we’re against. 

Holding space for each other

These mindsets and practices can help prepare us for the good and necessary work of dialogue. Done mindfully, dialogue can break down barriers, foster trust, and lead to collective understanding and shared solutions. But it first requires a mutual commitment to learning another person’s point of view. “It takes courage and humility to do this,” Sister Marianne admits, but “seeing different perspectives can be a resource for personal and communal growth.”

Again, for effective dialogue, we need to find the right headspace. This means setting aside our assumptions and stories about others and the intractable position of our own “rightness.” As Sister Joy explains, “You come into the conversation with a desire to understand, not to debate, not to convince or win over.” Instead, healthy dialogue presents us with opportunities to express empathy, hold space for each other, and allow ourselves and others to be known. 

Suggestions for healthy dialogue

If you’re interested in talking through a conflict with someone, consider some of the following practices to maintain a positive trajectory.  

1. Embody compassionate listening

When pursuing healthy dialogue, “The most important thing is to listen to a person with openness and respect,” says Sister Marianne, whose work includes engaging in and promoting interfaith dialogue. Embodying this way of being, compassionate listening allows us to be fully present to another and to recognize the deep values a person holds. “I may not agree with another’s actions or even expressions,” Sister Marianne says. “But what motivated her, what were her concerns or values? Maybe it is in recognizing these that I come to understand her better.” 

Compassionate listening requires:

• Listening to another without speaking or interrupting. This includes mental disruptions, such as forming rebuttals while the other person is talking. As soon as we go there, we cease listening.
• Listening reflectively, or repeating back to the speaker what they’ve said to ensure the message was heard accurately.
• Taking care when asking questions. “Listeners use inquiry in a healing way,” Sister Marianne says. Ask questions to connect, not to lead someone to a conclusion you want them to reach. Use phrases like, “What does that feel like for you?” or “Can you share more about that?” to demonstrate a commitment to listening and invite further sharing.

2. State facts, not judgments

When talking through conflict, stick to citing facts. Ascribing motives or attitudes to an action or behavior crosses into judgment—and communication shutdown. 

3. Recognize feelings and needs

“Feelings really stem from what we’re needing,” says Sister Maryanne O’Neill. “And in sharing these with each other, we may find that some of our feelings and needs are the same. This gives us something to talk about.”

4. Consider a mediator

Engaging in dialogue can feel intimidating, especially in a relationship with a history of conflict. In such cases, consider relying on a trusted and neutral mediator to guide the conversation. 

Sister Marilyn Zugish, CSC, has mediated for co-workers as well as individuals residing at a  community shelter. “The process is really simple, but I’ve never seen mediation not work,” she says. In short, parties agree to talk in good faith; there are no interruptions; and the mediator writes down what is said to keep it objective.

Once stories are exchanged, Sister Marilyn asks each person to share how what they heard made them feel. “Most of the time, they say ‘I was surprised. I didn’t know she was experiencing that.’ And then I ask, ‘What can we do so it doesn’t happen again?’ And most of the time, they can come up with the answer themselves.”

5. Imagine a resolution

An essential pathway for transforming conflict is to imagine a resolution. Each person involved in the dialogue is asked, “If the conflict was to be resolved, what would that look like for you?” This moves each person into the position of problem-solving for the situation. While they may maintain their different stances or viewpoints, this practice invites them into the creation “of a third new thing that they could see together,” says Sister Marianne.

It’s because conversation is co-creative, she adds, that we shouldn’t shy away from it. With intention and practice, we can choose dialogue over responses that perpetuate violence and division. Seeing conflict as an opportunity for civil engagement, human-to-human relationship, reparation and new possibilities can set us on a course for living better together.